I Am A Terrible Person


I’m feeling guilty that I angrily tore into a scrappy independent documentary film yesterday. Actually I feel guilty every time I say something bad about any film. A year ago I wrote a short negative review of Batman Returns and I still feel guilty about it. Do you know how much effort went into every costume, every set, every line of dialogue, every facial expression, every scene? An army of people spent hundreds of hours of their lives crafting something…..and then I came along and I glanced at everything and I sneered.

There is a special circle of hell for anyone who has ever written a negative movie review. After you die you will find yourself sitting in a movie theater. It is owned and operated by Regal. (It used to be a nice locally-owned theater but it was just bought out.) On the screen? A never-ending Regal Cinemas© FirstLook™ at Upcoming Attractions. All of the upcoming attractions are live action remakes of old kid’s cartoons with CGI characters starring Sean Hayes. One of the speakers is buzzing and the film is just slightly out of focus. It’s a full house – all the seats are filled. Filled with crying babies. There’s no popcorn but somehow a bit of popcorn is stuck on the roof of your mouth anyway. You can hear rumblings from the next theater – which you happen to know is a special showing of Stanley Kubrick’s “Napoleon.” And if you try and walk out into the lobby, of course you just re-emerge into the same theater from the emergency exit.

(On the bright side though you won’t go hungry for a while. In fact you’ll be able to take care of both your hunger pangs and the crying problem – at the same time!)

(That was a dead baby joke…get it?)

–Number One Son

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